In America we eat man semen.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have fence marks all over my body
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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