i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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