Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
