so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
you had me at cake vodka
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
