Just cropdusted the office
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
