My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
