would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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