Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
