You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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