I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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