I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
