and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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