Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
