My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
This toilet bowl is my home.
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