Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
