my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
