At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
