There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
