There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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