She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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