Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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