i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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