I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
