We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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