Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
