I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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