In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
