thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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