My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
