my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
