This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
