life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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