This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
