these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Someone shattered a urinal.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
