I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
