Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
pray to the hookup gods
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
