you're like a bully in the Christmas story
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
