Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
