Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
