I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
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I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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