I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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