there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
