...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
