Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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