I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
