my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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