Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
