I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
