I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
