we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
