You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
