Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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