She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
