I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He shit in the fireplace
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
