She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
