no, he came in my armpit
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
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He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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