She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
