I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
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