she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
