i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
