Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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