I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
